


Nostalgia

by TheAverageDorkYoudExpect



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Songfic, idk - Freeform, kind of, read to find out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-08 22:55:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13468305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAverageDorkYoudExpect/pseuds/TheAverageDorkYoudExpect
Summary: Michael sings his way through life.





	Nostalgia

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, when am I going to write something that isn't boyf riends. *sigh*

Michael liked music. It was a fact you could figure out on your own with one glance- by the huge white headphones he was never embellished without.

But here was a little lesser known fact- Michael didn't actually like music for its sound.

Yes, certain melodies were catchier than others and certain effects could make you _feel things_. But he listened not for the tune- but for the underlying message. The _sentiment_ the artist was trying to convey.

He broke down song lyrics so much growing up, that now, as a Junior, it was like another sense to him. He inadvertently could just see the pains and the desires of the artist.

And a fact that only Jeremy knew was that Michael sang his way through life. Whether it be " _the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had_ " when he came clean to Jeremy about his depression in Freshman year or the eerie a cappella " _'til there's nothing left standing, nothing left of yesterday_ " as he comforted a broken Jeremy when his mom left- everything was somehow meaningful to the situation at hand.

And never was a word sung that wasn't.

\---

I pushed my way through the crowd, trying to stay along the edge as I made my way out of the house. All I wanted was to get out. It had been one of the worst nights of my life. The persistence I'd been magically gifted earlier that night had dissipated, my hope for ever getting my best friend back was crushed, my one chance to talk some sense into him was squandered and the whole thing topped off with a panic attack in- of all people- _Jake Dillinger's_ bathroom. How fucking _perfect_.

I ducked around party-goers, locating the door. _Nearly there._

And then something stopped me. A clear laugh cut across the pounding music, so distinctly _Jeremy_ that I almost broke down right then and there.

At that moment, an old melody pressed play in my head, overturning painful memories in its midst. _Hey There Delilah_ was popular the summer before fourth grade. My genius mind at the time had rendered my own version called "Hey Jeremiah", which- much to Jeremy's chagrin- I made a new verse to every week.

Well, never too late to add to the composition, I suppose.

"Hey Jeremiah," I sang softly, barely able to hear my own voice over the party music still playing in the background.

"I know that you don't want my pity... But all these weeks I've really missed you."

It was true. Jeremy was being a dick- that didn't mean I missed him any less. I let myself drown in his cyan eyes from across the room, melting at the pretty rose color dappled across his cheeks. I smiled remorsefully.

"God, tonight you look so pretty. Yes, you do."

I sighed. "My life can't shine bright without you." _Please come back._

But every moment must end, so I tore myself from the feels-fest and closed the rest of the distance to the main entrance of the house.

Hating myself for it, I looked over my shoulder at Jeremy one last time, murmuring under my breath.

" _I swear it's true._ "

\---

Another week of Jeremy acting like I didn't exist.

It hurt more because I still loved him, no matter what. I tried getting over him. Believe me, I tried. But I couldn't help but remember the person he used to be.

I sat on my bed, my sleeves soaked through with tears and scarlet. I needed an outlet for all my emotion. I used to- _But he's gone, now._ I reminded myself gently.

And so, with nothing better to do, I started to sway, singing my fears and pain away.

"Right from the start, you were a thief- you stole my heart."

Another honest lyric. There wasn't a time I can remember when I didn't love Jeremy.

"...And I, your willing victim. I let you see the parts of me that weren't all that pretty,"

Insecurities and doubts. Scars.

"And with every touch you fixed them."

The sobs started again, more violently this time. Why can't everything just go back to how it was? Why did the old him have to be so goddamn _perfect?_ He was like an absolute other person now. Why did it have to change?

_How can we learn to love again?_

\---

My hope levels had never dropped so low. At this point, I was a figure made of doubt, with a 0% Jeremy tolerance. I was so sick of chasing after him, only to be cast aside again and again.

The Mountain Dew Red sat on my dresser, untouched and gleaming in the dying sunlight.

I guess if Jeremy wouldn't let me fix him, I'd at least get a vintage soda taste-test out of it.

Time for my daily routine of drowning my feelings out with music. I plugged my headphones in, turning the volume up all the way and hitting shuffle on iTunes.

"I stared up at the sun." The lead started singing.  
"Thought of all of the people, places and things I've loved."

My mind unconsciously began to wander. What did I really even love in this life?

"I stared up just to see-  
With all of the faces, you were the one next to me."

I threw my headphones off, realization striking like lightning. _He_ was the one next to me. And I had to get him back.

I held the Mountain Dew Statue-of-Liberty style, preparing myself to visit his play- fully aware of the risks involved. _Time to kick some Squip ass._

\---

It had been two months since then. Jeremy had gotten out of the hospital and- slowly but surely- we started patching our friendship back together. He learned my side of the story and I learned that a lot of it was actually just the asshole of a computer in his brain.

Jeremy wasn't the same- and that was expected. He struggled with PTSD symptoms and anxiety. He himself was practically perfect- never tripping over his words anymore and walking confidently down the halls.

But nevertheless, I was more in love with him now than I ever had been. I wanted to hold him and never let him go- never let him leave my side again.

I made the conscious decision to tell him about the never-ending supply of affection for him. Despite loving Jeremiah Heere with all of my heart, it was still a difficult choice.

But Jeremy deserved to know.

One day, with a plan run and rerun in my head a million times, I drove over to Jeremy's, letting myself in with the spare key.

I led myself up the stairs, apprehensive. _No going back now._

Then, upon reaching, I entered the room, feeling nauseated and too out-of-place. His bedroom was a museum in of itself and the world-renowned masterpiece known as Jeremy Heere was sitting stock-still on the bed.

"Hey, Jer."

His eyes shifted to meet me and the faintest of smiles graced his lips. "Hi." He breathed, but a whisper against my pounding heart.

I moved to sit on the mattress with him, taking his hands in mine. "I have something to tell you."

He nodded solemnly.

"And it will ruin everything but... But I have to."

And then I forced myself to meet Jeremy's ocean blue eyes and began to sing, losing myself in the nostalgic melody.

"In another life, I would be your boy. We'd keep all our promises, be us against the world. In another life, I would make you stay-"

I teared up, preparing myself for the inevitable abandonment. We had gotten this far, only to be torn down again by my idiocy.

"So I don't have to say you were the one that..."

My voice faltered as Jeremy took my face in his hands, meeting my gaze fiercely. "Don't you dare finish that lyric. I'm never leaving you again."

I choked back emotion and he surged forward to pour his heart into one earth-shattering kiss. Then, all too soon, he was leaning back. I stared at him in adoration, breath coming in shallow pants.

" _Never again._ "

\---

Jeremy shifted in his sleep beside me, a distressed expression split across his face.

I was worried for Jer. Of course I was, I was his boyfriend. The anxiety and constant-depressive state was supposed to be diluted by now. Instead, it had only gotten worse.

I tried to help him in any way I could. But nothing was ever enough.

He shot up in bed suddenly, gasping, tears threatening to spill.

"Jeremy." I tried calming him, rubbing circles into his palms with my thumb. "It's okay."

He shook his head frantically. "My Squip is back."

"No it's not. Jeremy, we destroyed it, I promise."

He looked less than sure about that.

I petted his head gently. "Don't you trust me?"

The boy nodded against my chest and I pulled him just a little bit closer.

"Now you've been talking in your sleep..." I sang softly. "Things you never say to me..."

"Do you really wanna know?" Jeremy piped up, interrupting.

"What?"

"The things I don't tell you. My nightmares."

I was uncertain but nodded anyway.

He took a deep breath. "Sometimes I think that you would be better off if I just killed myself now." He explained. "I want you to be happy and... I'm just... _afraid_ that you'll remember what a monster I am and leave me. I _love_ you, Michael. I would be so torn apart."

I peppered kisses across his face. "I'm never leaving you." The pale boy smiled and I kissed him again thoroughly. " _Never._ "

"Hey, Micha?" He asked after a moment.

"Mhm?"

"Can you sing to me, please?"

I didn't even reply- but went about fulfilling his request and searching for a sentimental piece.

"Unconditional, unconditionally. I will love you unconditionally. There is no fear now- Let go and just be free. I will love you..."

My voice hitched for a moment as Jeremy went slack and soft snores filled the room.

Brushing the bangs from his forehead, I leaned down to kiss his head softly. "...unconditionally."

\---

Ten years. It had been _ten years_.

I had hardly sung another word.

I kneeled before him, closing my eyes and letting my voice take over.

"Nothing here can buy me a time machine. Can't replace you with a million rings."

 _Much less one._ I pulled it out, extending it gingerly, but everything was too much. The overwhelming emotion devoured me whole and the box clattered to the ground at the base of the columbarium.

I tried in vain to stop crying, forcing myself to finish the song. "I should have told you what you meant to me..."

Maybe if I had assured him more or been there more or _loved him_ more, I would be saved from this irreversible turmoil.

"...I would make you stay." I whisper-sang, letting my eyes glaze over the inscription. _In Loving Memory..._

"I'm never leaving you again.", he'd said.

"So I don't have to say you were the one that got away." I warbled, my voice threatening to give out.

_The one that got away._

**Author's Note:**

> Don't you just love tearing your own heart out? :')
> 
> Anyways, this was based off of a playlist I have called Nostalgia. All of these songs are on it (along with others), and I listened to them growing up.
> 
> Songs (in order of appearance):  
> -Mad World by Gary Jules  
> -Blown Away by Carrie Underwood  
> -Hey There Delilah by the Plain White T's  
> -Just Give Me a Reason by P!nk ft. Nate Ruess  
> -If I Lose Myself by OneRepublic  
> -The One That Got Away by Katy Perry  
> -Just Give Me a Reason by P!nk ft. Nate Ruess (again)  
> -Unconditionally by Katy Perry  
> -The One That Got Away by Katy Perry (again)


End file.
